The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第14部分

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awakening。

Always；　however；　betweenwhiles　she　lapsed　into　the　old
unconsciousness；　indifference　and　there　was　a　will　in　her　to
save　herself　from　living　any　more。　But　she　would　wake　in　the
morning　one　day　and　feel　her　blood　running；　feel　herself　lying
open　like　a　flower　unsheathed　in　the　sun；　insistent　and　potent
with　demand。

She　got　to　know　him　better；　and　her　instinct　fixed　on
himjust　on　him。　Her　impulse　was　strong　against　him；
because　he　was　not　of　her　own　sort。　But　one　blind　instinct　led
her；　to　take　him；　to　leave　him；　and　then　to　relinquish　herself
to　him。　It　would　be　safety。　She　felt　the　rooted　safety　of　him；
and　the　life　in　him。　Also　he　was　young　and　very　fresh。　The　blue；
steady　livingness　of　his　eyes　she　enjoyed　like　morning。　He　was
very　young。

Then　she　lapsed　again　to　stupor　and　indifference。　This；
however；　was　bound　to　pass。　The　warmth　flowed　through　her；　she
felt　herself　opening；　unfolding；　asking；　as　a　flower　opens　in
full　request　under　the　sun；　as　the　beaks　of　tiny　birds　open
flat；　to　receive；　to　receive。　And　unfolded　she　turned　to　him；
straight　to　him。　And　he　came；　slowly；　afraid；　held　back　by
uncouth　fear；　and　driven　by　a　desire　bigger　than　himself。

When　she　opened　and　turned　to　him；　then　all　that　had　been　and
all　that　was；　was　gone　from　her；　she　was　as　new　as　a　flower　that
unsheathes　itself　and　stands　always　ready；　waiting；　receptive。
He　could　not　understand　this。　He　forced　himself；　through　lack　of
understanding；　to　the　adherence　to　the　line　of　honourable
courtship　and　sanctioned；　licensed　marriage。　Therefore；　after　he
had　gone　to　the　vicarage　and　asked　for　her；　she　remained　for
some　days　held　in　this　one　spell；　open；　receptive　to　him；　before
him。　He　was　roused　to　chaos。　He　spoke　to　the　vicar　and　gave　in
the　banns。　Then　he　stood　to　wait。

She　remained　attentive　and　instinctively　expectant　before
him；　unfolded；　ready　to　receive　him。　He　could　not　act；　because
of　selffear　and　because　of　his　conception　of　honour　towards
her。　So　he　remained　in　a　state　of　chaos。

And　after　a　few　days；　gradually　she　closed　again；　away　from
him；　was　sheathed　over；　impervious　to　him；　oblivious。　Then　a
black；　bottomless　despair　became　real　to　him；　he　knew　what　he
had　lost。　He　felt　he　had　lost　it　for　good；　he　knew　what　it　was
to　have　been　in　munication　with　her；　and　to　be　cast　off
again。　In　misery；　his　heart　like　a　heavy　stone；　he　went　about
unliving。

Till　gradually　he　became　desperate；　lost　his　understanding；
was　plunged　in　a　revolt　that　knew　no　bounds。　Inarticulate；　he
moved　with　her　at　the　Marsh　in　violent；　gloomy；　wordless
passion；　almost　in　hatred　of　her。　Till　gradually　she　became
aware　of　him；　aware　of　herself　with　regard　to　him；　her　blood
stirred　to　life；　she　began　to　open　towards　him；　to　flow　towards
him　again。　He　waited　till　the　spell　was　between　them　again；　till
they　were　together　within　one　rushing；　hastening　flame。　And　then
again　he　was　bewildered；　he　was　tied　up　as　with　cords；　and　could
not　move　to　her。　So　she　came　to　him；　and　unfastened　the　breast
of　his　waistcoat　and　his　shirt；　and　put　her　hand　on　him；　needing
to　know　him。　For　it　was　cruel　to　her；　to　be　opened　and　offered
to　him；　yet　not　to　know　what　he　was；　not　even　that　he　was　there。
She　gave　herself　to　the　hour；　but　he　could　not；　and　he　bungled
in　taking　her。

So　that　he　lived　in　suspense；　as　if　only　half　his　faculties
worked；　until　the　wedding。　She　did　not　understand。　But　the
vagueness　came　over　her　again；　and　the　days　lapsed　by。　He　could
not　get　definitely　into　touch　with　her。　For　the　time　being；　she
let　him　go　again。

He　suffered　very　much　from　the　thought　of　actual　marriage；
the　intimacy　and　nakedness　of　marriage。　He　knew　her　so　little。
They　were　so　foreign　to　each　other；　they　were　such　strangers。
And　they　could　not　talk　to　each　other。　When　she　talked；　of
Poland　or　of　what　had　been；　it　was　all　so　foreign；　she　scarcely
municated　anything　to　him。　And　when　he　looked　at　her；　an
overmuch　reverence　and　fear　of　the　unknown　changed　the　nature
of　his　desire　into　a　sort　of　worship；　holding　her　aloof　from　his
physical　desire；　selfthwarting。

She　did　not　know　this；　she　did　not　understand。　They　had
looked　at　each　other；　and　had　accepted　each　other。　It　was　so；
then　there　was　nothing　to　balk　at；　it　was　plete　between
them。

At　the　wedding；　his　face　was　stiff　and　expressionless。　He
wanted　to　drink；　to　get　rid　of　his　forethought　and　afterthought；
to　set　the　moment　free。　But　he　could　not。　The　suspense　only
tightened　at　his　heart。　The　jesting　and　joviality　and　jolly；
broad　insinuation　of　the　guests　only　coiled　him　more。　He　could
not　hear。　That　which　was　impending　obsessed　him；　he　could　not
get　free。

She　sat　quiet；　with　a　strange；　still　smile。　She　was　not
afraid。　Having　accepted　him；　she　wanted　to　take　him；　she
belonged　altogether　to　the　hour；　now。　No　future；　no　past；　only
this；　her　hour。　She　did　not　even　notice　him；　as　she　sat　beside
him　at　the　head　of　the　table。　He　was　very　near；　their　ing
together　was　close　at　hand。　What　more！

As　the　time　came　for　all　the　guests　to　go；　her　dark　face　was
softly　lighted；　the　bend　of　her　head　was　proud；　her　grey　eyes
clear　and　dilated；　so　that　the　men　could　not　look　at　her；　and
the　women　were　elated　by　her；　they　served　her。　Very　wonderful
she　was；　as　she　bade　farewell；　her　ugly　wide　mouth　smiling　with
pride　and　recognition；　her　voice　speaking　softly　and　richly　in
the　foreign　accent；　her　dilated　eyes　ignoring　one　and　all　the
departing　guests。　Her　manner　was　gracious　and　fascinating；　but
she　ignored　the　being　of　him　or　her　to　whom　she　gave　her
hand。

And　Brangwen　stood　beside　her；　giving　his　hearty　handshake　to
his　friends；　receiving　their　regard　gratefully；　glad　of　their
attention。　His　heart　was　tormented　within　him；　he　did　not　try　to
smile。　The　time　of　his　trial　and　his　admittance；　his　Gethsemane
and　his　Triumphal　Entry　in　one；　had　e　now。

Behind　her；　there　was　so　much　unknown　to　him。　When　he
approached　her；　he　came　to　such　a　terrible　painful　unknown。　How
could　he　embrace　it　and　fathom　it？　How　could　he　close　his　arms
round　all　this　darkness　and　hold　it　to　his　breast　and　give
himself　to　it？　What　might　not　happen　to　him？　If　he　stretched　and
strained　for　ever　he　would　never　be　able　to　grasp　it　all；　and　to
yield　himself　naked　out　of　his　own　hands　into　the　unknown　power！
How　could　a　man　be　strong　enough　to　take　her；　put　his　arms　round
her　and　have　her；　and　be　sure　he　could　conquer　this　awful
unknown　next　his　heart？　What　was　it　then　that　she　was；　to　which
he　must　also　deliver　himself　up；　and　which　at　the　same　time　he
must　embrace；　contain？

He　was　to　be　her　husband。　It　was　established　so。　And　he
wanted　it　more　than　he　wanted　life；　or　anything。　She　stood
beside　him　in　her　silk　dress；　looking　at　him　strangely；　so　that
a　certain　terror；　horror　took　possession　of　him；　because　she　was
strange　and　impending　and　he　had　no　choice。　He　could　not　bear　to
meet　her　look　from　under　her　strange；　thick　brows。

〃Is　it　late？〃　she　said。

He　looked　at　his　watch。

〃Nohalfpast　eleven；〃　he　said。　And　he　made　an　excuse
to　go　into　the　kitchen；　leaving　her　standing　in　the　room　among
the　disorder　and　the　drinkingglasses。

Tilly　was　seated　beside　the　fire　in　the　kitchen；　her　head　in
her　hands。　She　started　up　when　he　entered。

〃Why　haven't　you　gone　to　bed？〃　he　said。

〃I　thought　I'd　better　stop　an'　lock　up　an'　do；〃　she　said。　Her
agitation　quietened　him。　He　gave　her　some　little　order；　then
returned；　steadied　now；　almost　ashamed；　to　his　wife。　She　stood　a
moment　watching　him；　as　he　moved　with　averted　face。　Then　she
said：

〃You　will　be　good　to　me；　won't　you？〃

She　was　small　and　girlish　and　terrible；　with　a　queer；　wide
look　in　her　eyes。　His　heart　leaped　in　him；　in　anguish　of　love
and　desire；　he　went　blindly　to　her　and　took　her　in　his　arms。

〃I　want　to；〃　he　said　as　he　drew　her　closer　and　closer　in。　She
was　soothed　by　the　stress　of　his　embrace；　and　remained　quite
still；　relaxed　against　him；　mingling　in　to　him。　And　he　let
himself　go　from　past　and　future；　was　reduced　to　the　moment　with
her。　In　which　he　took　her　and　was　with　her　and　there　was　nothing
beyond；　they　were　together　in　an　elemental　embrace　beyond　their
superficial　foreignnes