The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第68部分

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teachers　were　almost　respectful　to　the　girls；　the　vicar　spoke　to
them　on　equal　terms。　The　Brangwen　girls　presumed；　they　tossed
their　heads。

〃You're　not　ivrybody；　Urtler　Brangwin；　uglymug；〃　said
Clem　Phillips；　his　face　going　very　red。

〃I'm　better　than　you；　for　all　that；〃　retorted　Urtler。

〃You　think　you　arewi'　a　face　like
thatUgly　Mug；Urtler　Brangwin；〃　he　began　to　jeer；
trying　to　set　all　the　others　in　cry　against　her。　Then　there　was
hostility　again。　How　she　hated　their　jeering。　She　became
cold　against　the　Phillipses。　Ursula　was　very　proud　in　her
family。　The　Brangwen　girls　had　all　a　curious　blind　dignity；　even
a　kind　of　nobility　in　their　bearing。　By　some　result　of　breed　and
upbringing；　they　seemed　to　rush　along　their　own　lives　without
caring　that　they　existed　to　other　people。　Never　from　the　start
did　it　occur　to　Ursula　that　other　people　might　hold　a　low
opinion　of　her。　She　thought　that　whosoever　knew　her；　knew　she
was　enough　and　accepted　her　as　such。　She　thought　it　was　a　world
of　people　like　herself。　She　suffered　bitterly　if　she　were　forced
to　have　a　low　opinion　of　any　person；　and　she　never　fave　that
person。

This　was　maddening　to　many　little　people。　All　their　lives；
the　Brangwens　were　meeting　folk　who　tried　to　pull　them　down　to
make　them　seem　little。　Curiously；　the　mother　was　aware　of　what
would　happen；　and　was　always　ready　to　give　her　children　the
advantage　of　the　move。

When　Ursula　was　twelve；　and　the　mon　school　and　the
panionship　of　the　village　children；　niggardly　and　begrudging；
was　beginning　to　affect　her；　Anna　sent　her　with　Gudrun　to　the
Grammar　School　in　Nottingham。　This　was　a　great　release　for
Ursula。　She　had　a　passionate　craving　to　escape　from　the
belittling　circumstances　of　life；　the　little　jealousies；　the
little　differences；　the　little　meannesses。　It　was　a　torture　to
her　that　the　Phillipses　were　poorer　and　meaner　than　herself；
that　they　used　mean　little　reservations；　took　petty　little
advantages。　She　wanted　to　be　with　her　equals：　but　not　by
diminishing　herself。　She　did　want　Clem　Phillips　to　be　her
equal。　But　by　some　puzzling；　painful　fate　or　other；　when　he　was
really　there　with　her；　he　produced　in　her　a　tight　feeling　in　the
head。　She　wanted　to　beat　her　forehead；　to　escape。

Then　she　found　that　the　way　to　escape　was　easy。　One　departed
from　the　whole　circumstance。　One　went　away　to　the　Grammar
School；　and　left　the　little　school；　the　meagre　teachers；　the
Phillipses　whom　she　had　tried　to　love　but　who　had　made　her　fail；
and　whom　she　could　not　five。　She　had　an　instinctive　fear　of
petty　people；　as　a　deer　is　afraid　of　dogs。　Because　she　was
blind；　she　could　not　calculate　nor　estimate　people。　She　must
think　that　everybody　was　just　like　herself。

She　measured　by　the　standard　of　her　own　people：　her　father
and　mother；　her　grandmother；　her　uncles。　Her　beloved　father；　so
utterly　simple　in　his　demeanour；　yet　with　his　strong；　dark　soul
fixed　like　a　root　in　unexpressed　depths　that　fascinated　and
terrified　her：　her　mother；　so　strangely　free　of　all　money　and
convention　and　fear；　entirely　indifferent　to　the　world；　standing
by　herself；　without　connection：　her　grandmother；　who　had　e
from　so　far　and　was　centred　in　so　wide　an　horizon：　people　must
e　up　to　these　standards　before　they　could　be　Ursula's
people。

So　even　as　a　girl　of　twelve　she　was　glad　to　burst　the　narrow
boundary　of　Cossethay；　where　only　limited　people　lived。　Outside；
was　all　vastness；　and　a　throng　of　real；　proud　people　whom　she
would　love。

Going　to　school　by　train；　she　must　leave　home　at　a　quarter　to
eight　in　the　morning；　and　she　did　not　arrive　again　till
halfpast　five　at　evening。　Of　this　she　was　glad；　for　the　house
was　small　and　overful。　It　was　a　storm　of　movement；　whence　there
had　been　no　escape。　She　hated　so　much　being　in　charge。

The　house　was　a　storm　of　movement。　The　children　were　healthy
and　turbulent；　the　mother　only　wanted　their　animal　wellbeing。
To　Ursula；　as　she　grew　a　little　older；　it　became　a　nightmare。
When　she　saw；　later；　a　Rubens　picture　with　storms　of　naked
babies；　and　found　this　was　called　〃Fecundity〃；　she　shuddered；
and　the　world　became　abhorrent　to　her。　She　knew　as　a　child　what
it　was　to　live　amidst　storms　of　babies；　in　the　heat　and　swelter
of　fecundity。　And　as　a　child；　she　was　against　her　mother；
passionately　against　her　mother；　she　craved　for　some
spirituality　and　stateliness。

In　bad　weather；　home　was　a　bedlam。　Children　dashed　in　and　out
of　the　rain；　to　the　puddles　under　the　dismal　yew　trees；　across
the　wet　flagstones　of　the　kitchen；　whilst　the　cleaningwoman
grumbled　and　scolded；　children　were　swarming　on　the　sofa；
children　were　kicking　the　piano　in　the　parlour；　to　make　it　sound
like　a　beehive；　children　were　rolling　on　the　hearthrug；　legs　in
air；　pulling　a　book　in　two　between　them；　children；　fiendish；
ubiquitous；　were　stealing　upstairs　to　find　out　where　our　Ursula
was；　whispering　at　bedroom　doors；　hanging　on　the　latch；　calling
mysteriously；　〃Ursula！　Ursula！〃　to　the　girl　who　had　locked
herself　in　to　read。　And　it　was　hopeless。　The　locked　door　excited
their　sense　of　mystery；　she　had　to　open　to　dispel　the　lure。
These　children　hung　on　to　her　with　roundeyed　excited
questions。

The　mother　flourished　amid　all　this。

〃Better　have　them　noisy　than　ill；〃　she　said。

But　the　growing　girls；　in　turn；　suffered　bitterly。　Ursula　was
just　ing　to　the　stage　when　Andersen　and　Grimm　were　being　left
behind　for　the　〃Idylls　of　the　King〃　and　romantic
lovestories。

　　〃Elaine　the　fair　Elaine　the　lovable；
　　　Elaine　the　lily　maid　of　Astolat；
　　　High　in　her　chamber　in　a　tower　to　the　east
　　　Guarded　the　sacred　shield　of　Launcelot。〃

How　she　loved　it！　How　she　leaned　in　her　bedroom　window　with
her　black；　rough　hair　on　her　shoulders；　and　her　warm　face　all
rapt；　and　gazed　across　at　the　churchyard　and　the　little　church；
which　was　a　turreted　castle；　whence　Launcelot　would　ride　just
now；　would　wave　to　her　as　he　rode　by；　his　scarlet　cloak　passing
behind　the　dark　yew　trees　and　between　the　open　space：　whilst
she；　ah；　she；　would　remain　the　lonely　maid　high　up　and　isolated
in　the　tower；　polishing　the　terrible　shield；　weaving　it　a
covering　with　a　true　device；　and　waiting；　waiting；　always　remote
and　high。

At　which　point　there　would　be　a　faint　scuffle　on　the　stairs；
a　lightpitched　whispering　outside　the　door；　and　a　creaking　of
the　latch：　then　Billy；　excited；　whispering：

〃It's　lockedit's　locked。〃

Then　the　knocking；　kicking　at　the　door　with　childish　knees；
and　the　urgent；　childish：

〃Ursulaour　Ursula？　Ursula？　Eh；　our　Ursula？〃

No　reply。

〃Ursula！　Ehour　Ursula？〃　the　name　was　shouted　now　Still
no　answer。

〃Mother；　she　won't　answer；〃　came　the　yell。　〃She's　dead。〃

〃Go　awayI'm　not　dead。　What　do　you　want？〃　came　the
angry　voice　of　the　girl。

〃Open　the　door；　our　Ursula；〃　came　the　plaining　cry。　It　was
all　over。　She　must　open　the　door。　She　heard　the　screech　of　the
bucket　downstairs　dragged　across　the　flagstones　as　the　woman
washed　the　kitchen　floor。　And　the　children　were　prowling　in　the
bedroom；　asking：

〃What　were　you　doing？　What　had　you　locked　the　door　for？〃　Then
she　discovered　the　key　of　the　parish　room；　and　betook　herself
there；　and　sat　on　some　sacks　with　her　books。　There　began　another
dream。

She　was　the　only　daughter　of　the　old　lord；　she　was　gifted
with　magic。　Day　followed　day　of　rapt　silence；　whilst　she
wandered　ghostlike　in　the　hushed；　ancient　mansion；　or　flitted
along　the　sleeping　terraces。

Here　a　grave　grief　attacked　her：　that　her　hair　was　dark。　She
must　have　fair　hair　and　a　white　skin。　She　was　rather
bitter　about　her　black　mane。

Never　mind；　she　would　dye　it　when　she　grew　up；　or　bleach　it
in　the　sun；　till　it　was　bleached　fair。　Meanwhile　she　wore　a　fair
white　coif　of　pure　Veian　lace。

She　flitted　silently　along　the　terraces；　where　jewelled
lizards　basked　upon　the　stone；　and　did　not　move　when　her　shadow
fell　upon　them。　In　the　utter　stillness　she　heard　the　tinkle　of
the　fountain；　and　smelled　the　roses　whose　blossoms　hung　rich　and
motionless。　So　she　drifted；　drifted　on　the　wistful　feet　of
beauty；　past　the　water　and　the　swans；　to　the　noble　park；　where；
underneath　a　great　oak；　a　doe　all　dappled　lay　with　her　four　fine
feet　together；　her