annr.pandora-第15部分

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　of　Germanicus。　He's　young　and　sets　a　tone　of　vitality　and　gaiety　in　the　city。〃
　〃And　Piso？〃　I　asked。
　〃Everyone　hates　him。　Especially　the　soldiers；　and　you　know　what　that　means　in　a　Roman　province。〃
　You　can　look　at　the　crashing；　undulating　sea　from　the　railing　of　a　deck　forever；　or　just　for　so　long。
　That　night　I　had　my　second　blood　dream。　It　was　keenly　similar　to　the　first。　I　was　thirsty　for　blood。　And　enemies　were　after　me；　enemies　that　knew　I　was　a　demon　and　must　be　destroyed。　I　was　running。　My　own　kind　had　forsaken　me；　thrust　me　out　unprotected　to　the　superstitions　of　the　people。　Then　I　saw　the　desert　and　knew　I　would　die；　I　awoke；　sitting　up　and　crying　out；　but　covering　my　mouth　quickly　so　no　one　heard　it。
　What　disturbed　me　so　terribly　was　the　thirst　for　blood。　I　could　not　imagine　such　a　thing　when　I　was　awake；　but　in　these　dreams　I　was　the　monster　that　Romans　called　the　Lamia。　Or　so　it　seemed。　Blood　was　sweet；　blood　was　all。　Was　the　old　Greek　Pythagoras　right？　Souls　do　migrate　from　body　to　body？　But　my　soul　in　this　past　life　had　been　that　of　a　monster。
　During　the　day；　I　dosed　my　eyes　now　and　then　and　found　myself　dangerously　on　the　edge　of　the　dream；　as　if　it　were　a　trap　in　my　mind；　waiting　to　engulf　my　consciousness。　But　at　night；　that　is　when　they　came　most　strongly。　You　have　served　me　before！　What　could　this　mean？　e　to　me。
　Blood　thirst。　I　closed　my　eyes；　curled　up　in　bed　and　prayed；　〃Mother　Isis；　Cleanse　my　Mind　of　this　Blood　madness。〃
　Then　I　resorted　to　plain　old　ordinary　eroticism。　Get　Jacob　into　bed！　No　such　luck。　Little　did　I　know　that　Hebrews　had　been；　and　would　be　forever；　the　most　difficult　of　men　to　seduce！
　It　was　all　made　dear　with　great　grace　and　tact。
　I　considered　all　the　slaves。　Out　of　the　question。　First　off　were　the　galley　slaves；　among　whom　no　great　〃Ben　Hur〃　was　chained；　waiting　for　me　to　rescue　him。　They　were　just　the　dregs　of　the　criminal　poor；　fastened　Roman…style；　so　they　would　drown　if　the　ship　went　down；　and　they　were　dying；　as　all　galley　slaves　do　from　the　monotony　and　the　whip。　It　wasn't　a　pleasant　sight　to　go　down　into　the　hold　of　a　galley　ship　and　see　those　men　bending　their　backs。
　But　my　eyes　were　as　cold　as　those　of　an　American　watching　color　television　pictures　of　the　starving　babies　of　Africa；　little　black　skeletons　with　big　heads　screaming　for　water。　News　Break；　mercial　Break；　Sound　Bite；　CNN　now　switches　to　Palestine：　rock　throwing；　rubber　bullets。　Television　blood。
　The　rest　on　board　were　boring　sailors；　and　two　old　pious　merchant　Hebrews　who　stared　at　me　as　if　I　were　a　whore；　or　worse；　and　turned　their　heads　whenever　I　came　out　on　deck　in　my　long　tunic　with　my　long　hair　swinging　free。
　Such　a　disgrace　I　must　have　seemed！　But　what　a　fool　I　was　then；　really；　living　in　numbness；　and　how　pleasant　that　voyage　…　all　because　true　grief　and　rage　had　not　yet　taken　hold　of　me。　Things　had　happened　too　fast。
　I　gloated　over　my　last　glimpse　of　my　Father　dispatching　those　soldiers　of　Tiberius；　those　cheap　assassins　sent　by　a　cowardly；　indecisive　Emperor。　And　the　rest　…　I　banished　it　from　my　mind；　affecting　the　attitude　of　the　hardened　Roman　man　or　woman。
　A　modern　Irish　poet；　Yeats；　best　characterizes　the　official　Roman　attitude　towards　failure　and　tragedy。
　
　Cast　a　cold　eye　on　life；　on　death。　Horseman；　pass　by！
　
　There　was　never　a　Roman　born　who　would　not　have　agreed　with　that。
　That　was　my　stance　…　sole　survivor　of　a　great　house；　manded　by　her　Father　to　〃live。〃　I　didn't　dare　to　dwell　on　the　fate　of　my　brothers；　their　lovely　wives；　their　little　children。　I　couldn't　envision　the　slaughter　of　the　children　…　little　boys　being　run　through　by　broadswords；　or　babies　bashed　against　the　wall。　Oh；　Rome；　you　and　your　bloody　old　wisdom。　Be　sure　to　kill　the　offspring。　Kill　the　whole　family！
　Lying　alone　at　night；　I　found　myself　amid　more　horrid　blood　dreams。　They　seemed　fragments　of　a　lost　life；　a　lost　land。　Deep　echoing　vibrant　tones　of　music　dominated　the　dreams；　as　though　someone　were　striking　a　gong；　and　others　beside　him　beat　solemnly　on　deep　drums　with　soft　coverings。　I　saw　in　a　haze　a　world　of　stiff　and　flat　alien　paintings　on　the　walls。　Painted　eyes　around　me。　I　drank　blood！　I　drank　it　from　a　small　shuddering　human　being；　who　knelt　before　me　as　if　I　were　Mother　Isis。
　I　woke　to　take　the　big　jug　of　water　by　my　bed　and　drink　all　of　it　down。　I　drank　water　to　defy　and　satisfy　this　dream　thirst。　I　was　almost　sick　from　drinking　water。
　I　racked　my　mind。　Had　I　ever　had　such　dreams　as　a　child？
　No。　And　now　these　dreams　had　the　heat　of　recollection！　Of　initiation　into　the　doomed　Temple　of　Isis；　when　it　had　been　still　the　fashion。　I　had　been　intoxicated；　and　drenched　in　the　blood　of　a　bull；　and　dancing　wildly　in　circles。　My　head　was　filled　with　the　litanies　of　Isis。　We　were　promised　rebirth！　〃Never　tell；　never　tell；　never　tell。。。〃　How　could　an　initiate　tell　anything　of　the　rites；　when　you　were　so　drunk　you　could　hardly　remember　them？
　Isis　brought　me　memories　now　of　lovely　music　of　lyres；　flutes；　timbrels；　of　the　high　magical　sound　of　the　metal　strings　of　the　sistrum；　which　the　Mother　Herself　held　in　her　hand。　There　were　only　fleeting　recollections　of　that　naked　blood　dance；　that　night　of　rising　into　the　stars；　of　seeing　the　scope　of　life　in　its　cycles；　of　accepting　perfectly　just　for　a　little　while　that　the　moon　would　always　be　changing；　and　the　sun　would　set　as　it　always　rose。　Embraces　of　other　women。　Soft　cheeks　and　kissing　and　bodies　rocking　in　unison。　〃Life；　death；　rebirth；　it's　no　series　of　miracles；〃　said　the　Priestess。　〃To　understand　it　and　accept　it；　that　is　the　miracle。　Make　the　miracle　within　your　own　breast。〃
　Surely　we　had　not　drunk　blood！　And　the　bull　…　it　was　a　sacrifice　only　for　the　initiation。　We　did　not　bring　helpless　animals　to　her　flower…laden　altars；　no；　our　Blessed　Mother　did　not　ask　that　of　us。
　Now；　at　sea；　alone；　I　lay　awake　to　avoid　these　blood　dreams。
　When　exhaustion　won　out；　a　dream　came　with　sleep　as　if　it　had　been　waiting　for　my　eyes　to　close。
　I　lay　in　a　gold　chamber。　I　was　drinking　blood；　blood　from　the　throat　of　a　god；　or　so　it　seemed；　and　choruses　were　singing　or　chanting　…　it　was　a　dull；　repetitive　sound　not　quite　worthy　of　being　called　music；　and　when　I　had　had　my　fill　of　blood；　this　god　or　whoever　this　was；　this　silken…skinned　proud　thing；　lifted　me　and　placed　me　on　an　altar。
　Vividly；　I　could　feel　the　cold　marble　beneath　me。　I　realized　I　wore　no　clothes。　I　felt　no　modesty。
　Somewhere　far　off　echoing　through　these　great　halls；　came　the　weeping　of　a　woman。　I　was　full　of　blood。　Those　who　chanted　approached　with　little　clay　oil　lamps。　Faces　around　me　were　dark；　dark　enough　to　be　from　far　faraway　Ethiopia　or　India。　Or　Egypt。　Look。　Painted　eyes！　I　looked　at　my　hands　and　arms。　They　were　dark。　But　I　was　this　person　who　lay　on　the　altar；　and　I　say　person　now　because　it　had　e　clear　to　me　with　no　disturbance　during　the　dream　itself　that　I　was　a　man　lying　there。　Pain　tore　at　me。　The　god　said；　〃This　is　merely　the　passage。　You　will　now　drink　from　each　of　us；　only　a　little　blood。〃
　Only　when　I　woke　did　the　brief　transition　in　the　masculine　gender　leave　me　as　puzzled　as　everything　else。　I　was　drenched　with　a　sense　of　Egyptian　art；　Egyptian　mystery　…　as　I'd　seen　it　in　golden　statues　for　sale　in　the　marketplace；　or　when　the　Egyptian　dancers　performed　at　a　banquet；　like　walking　sculptures　with　their　black…lined　eyes；　and　black　plaited　wigs；　whispering　in　that　mysterious　tongue。　What　had　they　thought　of　our　Isis　in　Roman　dress？
　A　mystery　taunted　me；　something　attacked　my　reason。　The　very　thing　the　Roman　Emperors　had　so　feared　in　Egyptian　cults　and　Oriental　cults　swept　over　me：　mystery　and　emotion　which　claim　a　superiority　to　reason　and　law。
　My　Isis　had　been　a　Roman　goddess；　really；　a　universal　goddess；　the　Mother　of　us　all；　her　worship　spreading　out　in　a　Greek　and　Roman　world　long　before　it　had　e　into　Rome　itself。　Our　Priests　were　Greeks　and　Roman；　poor　men。　We　the　congregation　were　all　Greeks　and　Romans。
　Something　scratched　at　the　back　of　my　mind。　It　said；　〃Remember。〃　It　was　a　tiny　desperate　voice　within　my　own　brain　that　urged　me　to　〃remember〃　for　my　own　sake。
　But　remembering　only　led　to　confused　and　jumbled　thou