rl.thebourneidentity-第38部分

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　He　saw　her　on　the　steps；　her　arms　folded　against　the　March　wind　that　swept　off　the　boulevard。　At　first；　she　did　not　see　him；　her　eyes　searching　the　tree…lined　street。　She　was　restless；　anxious；　an　impatient　woman　afraid　she　would　not　see　what　she　wanted　to　see；　frightened　that　it　would　not　be　there。
　Ten　minutes'　ago　he　would　not　have　been。
　She　saw　him。　Her　face　became　radiant；　the　smile　emerged　and　it　was　filled　with　life　She　rushed　to　him　as　he　raced　up　the　steps　towards　her。　They　came　together　and　for　a　moment　neither　said　anything；　warm　and　alone　on　the　Saint…Michel。
　'I　waited　and　waited；'　she　breathed　finally。　'I　was　so　afraid；　so　worried。　Did　anything　happen？　Are　you　all　right？'
　'I'm　fine。　Better　than　I've　been　in　a　long　time。'
　'What？'
　He　held　her　by　the　shoulders。'　〃Six　months　ago　a　man　was　killed。。。〃　Remember？'　The　joy　left　her　eyes。　'Yes；　I　remember。'　'I　didn't　kill　him；'　said　Bourne。　'I　couldn't　have。'
　They　found　a　small　hotel　in　the　crowded　centre　of　Montparnasse。　The　lobby　and　the　rooms　were　threadbare；　but　there　was　a　pretence　to　forgotten　elegance　that　gave　it　an　air　of　timelessness。　It　was　a　quiet　resting　place　set　down　in　the　middle　of　a　carnival；　hanging　onto　its　identity　by　accepting　the　times　without　joining　them。
　Jason　closed　the　door；　nodding　to　the　white…haired　bell　boy　whose　indifference　had　turned　to　indulgence　upon　the　receipt　of　a　twenty…franc　note。
　'He　thinks　you're　a　provincial　deacon　flushed　with　a　night's　anticipation；'　said　Marie。　'I　hope　you　noticed　I　went　right　to　the　bed。'
　'His　name　is　Herve；　and　he'll　be　very　solicitous　of　our　needs。　He　has　no　intention　of　sharing　the　wealth。'　He　crossed　to　her　and　took　her　in　his　arms。　'Thanks　for　my　life；'　he　said。
　'Any　time；　my　friend。'　She　reached　up　and　held　his　face　in　her　hands。　'But　don't　keep　me　waiting　like　that　again。　I　nearly　went　crazy；　all　I　could　think　of　was　that　someone　had　recognized　you。。。　that　something　terrible　had　happened。'
　'You　forget；　no　one　knows　what　I　look　like。'
　'Don't　count　on　that；　it's　not　true。　There　were　four　men　in　the　Steppdeckstrasse；　including　that　bastard　on　the　Guisan　Quai。　They're　alive；　Jason。　They　saw　you。〃
　'Not　really。　They　saw　a　dark…haired　man　with　bandages　on　his　neck　and　head；　who　walked　with　a　limp。　Only　two　were　near　me：　the　man　on　the　first　floor　and　that　pig　on　the　Guisan。　The　first　won't　be　leaving　Zurich　for　a　while；　he　can't　walk　and　he　hasn't　much　of　a　hand　left。　The　second　had　the　beam　of　the　torch　in　his　eyes；　it　wasn't　in　mine。'
　She　released　him；　frowning；　her　alert　mind　questioning。　〃You　can't　be　sure。　They　were　there；　they　did　see　you。'
　Change　your　hair。。。　you　change　your　face。　Geoffrey　Wash…burn；　lie　de　Port　Noir。
　'I　repeat；　they　saw　a　dark…haired　man　in　shadows。　How　good　are　you　with　a　weak　solution　of　peroxide？'
　'I've　never　used　it。'
　〃Then　I'll　find　a　shop　in　the　morning。　The　Montparnasse　is　the　place　for　it　Blonds　have　more　fun；　isn't　that　what　they　say？'
　She　studied　his　face。　'I'm　trying　to　imagine　what　you'll　look　like。'
　'Different。　Not　much；　but　enough。'
　'You　may　be　right。　I　hope　to　God　you　are。　She　kissed　his　cheek；　her　prelude　to　discussion。　'Now；　tell　me　what　happened。　Where　did　you　go？　What　did　you　learn　about　that。。。　incident　six　months　ago？'
　'It　wasn't　six　months　ago；　and　because　it　wasn't　I　couldn't　have　killed　him。'　He　told　her　everything；　save　for　the　few　brief　moments　when　he　thought　he　would　never　see　her　again。　He　did　not　have　to；　she　said　it　for　him。
　'If　that　date　hadn't　been　so　clear　in　your　mind；　you　wouldn't　have　e　to　me；　would　you？'
　He　shook　his　head。　'Probably　not！
　'I　knew　it。　I　felt　it。　For　a　minute；　while　I　was　walking　from　the　cafe　to　the　museum　steps；　I　could　hardly　breathe。　It　was　as　though　I　were　suffocating。　Can　you　believe　that？'
　'I　don't　want　to。'
　'Neither　do　I；　but　it　happened。'
　They　were　sitting；　she　on　the　bed　he　in　the　single　armchair　close　by。　He　reached　for　her　hand。　'I'm　still　not　sure　I　should　be　here。。。　I　knew　that　man；　I　saw　his　face；　I　was　in　Marseilles　forty…eight　hours　before　he　was　killed！'
　'But　you　didn't　kill　him。'
　Then　why　was　I　there？　Why　do　people　think　I　did！　Christ；　it's　insane　I'　He　sprang　up　from　the　chair；　pain　back　in　his　eyes。　'But　then　I　forgot　I'm　not　sane；　am　I？　Because　I've　forgotten。。。　Years；　a　lifetime。'
　Marie　spoke　matter…of…factly；　no　passion　in　her　voice。　The　answers　will　e　to　you。　From　one　source　or　another；　finally　from　yourself。'
　That　may　not　be　possible。　Washburn　said　it　was　like　blocks　rearranged；　different　tunnels。。。　different　windows？〃　Jason　walked　to　the　window；　bracing　himself　on　the　sill；　looking　down　on　the　lights　of　Montparnasse。　The　views　aren't　the　same；　they　never　will　be。　Somewhere　out　there　are　people　I　know；　who　know　me。　A　couple　of　thousand　miles　away　are　other　people　I　care　about　and　don't　care　about。。。　Or；　oh　God；　maybe　a　wife　and　children；　I　don't　know。　I　keep　spinning　around　in　the　wind；　turning　over　and　over　and　I　can't　get　down　to　the　ground。　Every　time　I　try　I'm　thrown　back　up　again。'
　'Into　the　sky？'　asked　Marie。
　'Yes。'
　'You've　jumped　from　a　plane；〃　she　said；　making　a　statement。
　Bourne　turned。　'I　never　told　you　that〃
　〃You　talked　about　it　in　your　sleep　the　other　night　You　were　sweating；　your　face　was　flushed　and　hot　and　I　had　to　wipe　it　with　a　towel。'
　'Why　didn't　you　say　anything？！
　'I　did；　in　a　way。　I　asked　you　if　you　were　a　pilot；　or　if…flying　bothered　you。　Especially　at　night。'
　'I　didn't　know　what　you　were　talking　about。　Why　didn't　you　press　me？〃
　'I　was　afraid　to。　You　were　very　close　to　hysterics；　and　I'm　not　trained　in　things　like　that。　I　can　help　you　try　to　remember；　but　I　can't　deal　with　your　unconscious。　I　don't　think　anyone　should　but　a　doctor。'
　'A　doctor？　I　was　with　a　doctor　for　damn　near　six　months。'
　'From　what　you've　said　about　him；　I　think　another　opinion　is　called　for。'
　'I　don't！'　he　replied；　confused　by　his　own　anger。
　'Why　not？！　Marie　got　up　from　the　bed。　'You　need　help；　my　darling。　A　psychiatrist　might。。。'
　'No！'　He　shouted　in　spite　of　himself；　furious　with　himself。　'I　won't　do　that。　I　can't。'
　'Please；　tell　me　why？'　she　asked　calmly；　standing　in　front　of　him。
　'I。。。I。。。can't　do　it'
　'Just　tell　me　why；　that's　all。！
　Bourne　stared　at　her；　then　turned　and　looked　out　of　the　window　again；　his　hands　on　the　sill　again。　'Because　I'm　afraid。　Someone　lied；　and　I　was　grateful　for　that　more　than　I　can　tell　you。　But　suppose　there　aren't　any　more　lies；　suppose　the　rest　is　true。　What　do　I　do　then？
　'Are　you　saying　you　don't　want　to　find　out？'
　'Not　that　way。'　He　stood　up　and　leaned　against　the　window　frame；　his　eyes　still　on　the　lights　below。　Try　to　understand　me；'　he　said。　'I　have　to　know　certain　things。。。　enough　to　make　a　decision。。。　but　maybe　not　everything。　A　part　of　me　has　to　be　able　to　walk　away；　disappear。　I　have　to　be　able　to　say　to　myself；　what　was　isn't　any　longer；　and　there's　a　possibility　that　it　never　was　because　I　have　no　memory　of　it　What　a　person　can't　remember　didn't　exist。。。　for　him。'　He　turned　back　to　her。　'What　I'm　trying　to　tell　you　is　that　maybe　it's　better　this　way。'
　〃You　want　evidence；　but　not　proof；　is　that　what　you're　saying？'
　'I　want　arrows　pointing　in　one　direction　or　the　other；　telling　me　whether　to　run　or　not　to　run。〃
　Telling　you。　What　about　us？
　'That'll　e　with　the　arrows；　won't　it？　You　know　that。'
　'Then　let's　find　them；'　she　replied。
　'Be　careful。　You　may　not　be　able　to　live　with　what's　out　there。　I　mean　that。'
　'I　can　live　with　you。　And　I　mean　that。'　She　reached　up　and　touched　his　face。　'e　on。　It's　barely　five　o'clock　in　Ontario；　and　I　can　still　reach　Peter　at　the　office。　He　can　start　the　Tread…stone　search。。。　and　give　us　the　name　of　someone　here　at　the　embassy　who　can　help　us　if　we　need　him。'
　'You're　going　to　tell　Peter　you're　in　Paris？！
　'He'll　know　it　anyway　from　the　operator；　but　the　call　won't　be　traceable　to　this　hotel。　And　don't　worry；　I'll　keep　everything　〃in…house〃；　even　casual。　I　came　to　Paris　for　a　few　days　because　my　relatives　in　Lyons　were　simply　too　dull。　He'll　accept　that。'
　'Would　he　know　someone　at　the　embassy　here？〃
　'Peter　makes　it　a　point　to　know　someone　everywhere。　It's　one　of　his　more