dclegg.purity-第3部分

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　All　right；　that　sounds　simplistic。　But　I　believe　that　the　simplest　things　can　lead　to　the　strongest　results。
　So；　I　began　working　on　breathing。
　This　was　not　merely　inhaling　and　exhaling；　but　swimming　at　the　beach　in　the　icy　spring　and　holding　my　breath　under　water。　After　all；　if　I　were　going　to　be　lord　of　my　own　breath；　I　needed　to　master　everything　about　it；　didn't　I？　I　wasn't　sure　that　I'd　ever　be　a　great　breath…holder；　because　I　never　seemed　able　to　go　much　beyond　a　minute。　I　was　holding　on　too　much　to　my　fear　of　dying。
　This　is　one　of　the　first　lessons　about　breathing　…　if　you　have　breath　within　your　lungs；　you　will　not　die。　Death　es　once　there　is　no　more　breath。
　Again；　simple。　Again；　true。
　〃Owen；〃　my　mother　said；　pinning　the　laundry　up　outside　the　cottage　that　the　Montgomery's　housed　us　in。　〃What　in　god's　name　are　you　doing？〃
　I　had　e　up　after　logging　in　a　minute…and…a…half　beneath　the　water；　right　at　the　rocky　ledge。　I　had　just　leaned　over　and　thrust　my　face　underwater。
　I　was　eleven　at　the　time。　I　tried　to　explain　to　her　the　principle　behind　my　experiment；　but　she　did　not　seem　to　understand。　However；　within　a　few　short　months；　I　had　bee　best　friends　to　the　captain　of　the　swim　team　in　seventh　grade；　and　by　fall；　I　was　running　cross　country。　I　would　never　be　the　best　…　this　was　not　my　goal　after　all。　I　would　be　a　winner。
　In　fact；　I　knew　I　would　close　in　on　this　with　each　sport　or　endeavor　I　tried　…　the　other　kids　were　lazy。　Life　and　their　families　made　them　that　way。　I　did　not　intend　to　let　a　day　go　which　I　could　not　claim　as　my　own。　I　was　going　to　own　life　in　a　way　that　neither　of　my　parents　ever　had。
　Academics　slipped　in　my　middle　school　years　…　but　not　enough　for　anyone　to　notice。　I　read　studiously；　and　never　for　enjoyment；　but　to　understand　systems　of　thought　that　the　world　was　trying　to　push　at　us。　I　learned　quickly　that　an　A＋　in　school　sometimes　meant　a　D…　in　life；　and　that　in　fact　equal　effort　had　to　be　made　to　excel　in　both　spheres。　Breathing　helped。
　When　I　felt　overwhelmed　by　it　all；　I　practiced　my　breathing　again。　Even　in　December；　when　the　island　was　desolate　and　the　water　was　cold　enough　to　drown；　I　would　leap　into　the　sea　and　stay　beneath　the　water　for　as　long　as　I　could；　I　would；　if　possible；　use　the　Montgomery's　indoor　swimming　pool　for　my　morning　workout　which　began　at　six　a。m。
　8
　That　was　the　wonderful　thing　about　the　Montgomery's　place：
　They　were　usually　gone　all　winter　unless　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Montgomery　were　fighting；　or　Mr。　Montgomery　had　gone　off　with　one　of　his　mistresses　and　Mrs。　M　was　so　angry　she　came　to　the　island　for　a　blisteringly　cold　February。　I　used　to　see　Mrs。　M　in　those　cold　Februarys；　and　I　ran　errands　in　town　for　her　because　she　spent　too　much　time　staring　at　the　walls　or　sitting　along　the　indoor　pool　while　I　did　laps。　She　enjoyed　letting　me　swim　there；　and　she　sometimes　even　got　in　and　did　laps；　too。　Once；　when　I　was　twelve；　Mrs。　M　told　me；　〃You're　turning　into　quite　the　handsome　boy；　Owen　Crites。〃　She　was　in　good　shape　for　a　woman　of　forty；　and　there　were　times　when　I　was　with　her　that　she　reminded　me　so　much　of　Jenna　it　was　almost　like　having　Jenna　there　with　me。
　When　I　watched　her　back；　as　she　got　out　of　the　pool；　bathing　cap　on；　her　narrow　waist；　the　way　the　water　beaded　upon　her　skin　…　it　was　like　seeing　Jenna　for　a　moment。　This　made　me　happy。　Jenna　meant　a　lot　to　me。
　But　the　pool　…　dare　I　describe　it　now；　how　I　remember　it？　It　was　vast。
　It　was　Olympic　size。　I　could　do　real　laps　there　as　opposed　to　laps　at　the　beach　which　ended　with　a　summer　lifeguard　blowing　a　whistle　for　me　to　e　to　shore　before　I'd　gone　out　twenty　yards。　It　was　off　the　northern　wing　of　their　estate；　and　was　constructed　so　that　it　was　as　if　you　were　swimming　outside；　as　if　on　the　bluffs　over　the　Sound；　you　owned　the　world　as　you　went　back　and　forth；　breathing；　carefully　breathing　so　as　not　to　wear　out　too　fast。
　Because；　during　those　winters　when　the　M's　stayed　down　in　Manhattan；　my　father　and　mother　and　I　had　the　run　of　the　house；　I　could　swim　naked　in　the　pool；　and　rise　to　see　the　reflection　of　my　body　in　the　long　mirrors　that　were　in　the　small　locker　room　off　the　pool。　By　my　sophomore　year　in　high　school；　I　had　created　…　and　mastered　…　a　beautiful；　strong　body；　and　what　average　looks　I　had　were　masked　by　health　and　physical　near…perfection。　I　didn't　admire　this　because　I　believed　in　beauty。
　Beauty　is　for　the　lazy。
　I　admired　it　because　I　knew　the　world　admired　it；　and　I　wanted　to　own　the　world。
　Wrestling　was　my　winter　sport　at　school；　and　I　did　not　excel　at　it；　but　I　held　my　own。　The　girls　loved　me　…　and　the　boys；　too。　I　never　got　too　close　to　them；　because　I　had　to　spend　all　my　concentration　on　creating　who　I　was。　But　the　girls　all　cheered　for　me　in　the　sweaty　matches　as　I　brought　some　great　bull　of　a　boy　from　a　peting　school　down　to　the　red　mat。　Because　the　psychological　aspect　to　sports　can't　be　emphasized　enough；　I　would　…　with　each　match　…　create　some　threat　to　my　opponent。　Something　I　could　whisper　in　his　ear。
　This　took　no　small　amount　of　planning；　as　it　meant　I　had　to　do　research　on　those　I　wrestled；　so　I　would　know　just　what　button　to　push　to　take　away　their　psychological　edge。　Dagon　helped　me；　my　god　took　me　to　books　and　ideas　and　notions；　if　you　will；　that　showed　me　just　what　other　boys　would　be　most　hurt　by。　Usually；　it　involved　their　sense　of　sexuality。　After　all；　even　I　knew　that　showering　with　other　boys　all　day；　wearing　jockstraps；　cracking　jokes　about　everything　from　dicks　to　pussies；　was　a　veil　across　homoeroticism　among　adolescents。　And　who　but　wrestlers　were　closest　to　puncturing　that　veil？　So；　I　would　whisper　to　my　opponent　something　about　him；　something　perhaps　his　closest　friend　had　told　me　…　his　closest　friend；　drunk；　being　taken　out　to　a　parking　lot　…　his　closest　friend　who；　with　six　beers　in　him；　would　finally　admit　to　something　that　my　opponent　would　be　happiest　to　hide　for　a　thousand　years。
　Sometimes；　it　was　less　interesting。　My　threat　might　be；　〃I　know　your　little　sister；　Trey。　I　know　all　about　her　leg。　I　would　hate　for　something　to　happen　to　her。　I　would　hate　for　someone　to　do　something　to　a　little　girl　so　sweet。〃
　You　may　judge　me　for　this　if　you　like。　It　was　a　petitive　edge；　and　this　is　what　we；　in　athletics；　were　taught：　to　find　our　edge。
　Skill　alone　never　wins。
　I　wish　it　did；　but　lazy　people　think　that　way。
　Faith　is　necessary；　too。　I　had　found　mine。　It　had　grown　within　me。
　Now；　this　began　rumors　about　me；　but　I　had　built　up　a　loyal　following　of　other　boys　and　girls　in　school。　I　became　head　of　the　pep　squad　for　the　football　team　…　team　sports　were　never　my　thing；　but　I　knew　that　I　had　to　somehow　attach　myself　to　them。　So；　when　kids　from　other　schools　began　talking　about　me　saying　〃crazy；　psycho〃　things；　I　had　friends　who　were　willing　to　lay　down　and　die　for　me　rather　than　accept　those　lies。　I　really　liked　the　kids　I　went　to　high　school　with；　I　liked　the　teachers。　It　was　easy　for　me　to　like　them。
　I　think　even　being　poor　helped　…　teachers　saw　me　as　an　underdog　rising。　I　would　tutor　children　in　the　local　elementary　school　some　afternoons；　I　took　the　coach's　daughter　to　the　junior　prom；　just　because　I　was　a　nice　guy　and　I　felt　bad　that　she　wasn't　pretty　enough　to　get　asked　by　any　of　the　other　guys。　I　was　wellliked；　and　sometimes；　that　carries　you。
　But　I　haven't　mentioned　much　about　Jenna　yet；　have　I？　In　all　this　talk　of　I；　she　has　not　yet　entered　not　in　the　way　she　should've。　She　was　not　at　my　school。　She　was　not　within　my　sphere。　She　was　outer；　she　was　beyond　beyond。
　How　could　I　take　her　to　the　prom　when　she　only　arrived　at　Outerbridge　Island　in　the　summers？
　I　would　count　the　days　until　Memorial　Day　weekend；　when　the　Outerbridge　Majesty　would　arrive　in　Quonnoquet　Haven；　heavy　with　tourists　and　summer　people；　and　there；　on　the　highest　deck；　I'd　see　her　with　my　binos　and　I　would　lay　back　in　the　muddy　grass　and　look　up　at　the　paling　sky　and　think：　please　remember　what　we　promised。　Remember　everything　and　don't　leave　anything　out。
　Remember　why　I　came　to　you　and　why　you　let　me　and　why　it　would　make　everything　be　the　way　it　was　supposed　to；　and　why　you're　the　reason　for　my　every　breath。
　That's　what　had　happen