sk.everythingseventual-第52部分

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o　into　Toones　Xpress　one　Friday　after　my　movie　was　over　（I　always　go　to　the　show　on　Friday　afternoons；　even　if　there's　nothing　I　really　want　to　see；　because　that's　when　the　cleaners　e）；　just　killing　time　inside　because　it　was　rainy　and　that　squashed　going　to　the　park；　and　while　I　was　looking　at　the　new　releases；　this　kid　asks　a　clerk　about　the　new　Weezer　CD。　The　clerk　tells　him　it　won't　be　in　for　another　ten　days　or　so；　but　I'd　had　it　since　the　Friday　before。
　　Fringe　benefits；　like　I　say。
　　If　I　write　down　'sport　shirt'　on　the　DAYBOARD；　there　it　is　when　I　get　back　to　the　house　on　Friday　night；　always　in　one　of　the　nice　earth…tone　colors　I　like。　If　I　write　down　'new　jeans'　or　'chinos；'　I　get　those。　All　stuff　from　The　Gap；　which　is　where　I'd　go　myself；　if　I　had　to　do　stuff　like　that。　If　I　want　a　certain　kind　of　after…shave　lotion　or　cologne；　I　write　the　name　on　DINKY'S　DAYBOARD　and　it's　on　the　bathroom　counter　when　I　get　home。　I　don't　date；　but　I'm　a　fool　for　cologne。　Go　figure。
　　Here's　something　you'll　laugh　at；　I　bet。　Once　I　wrote　down　'Rembrandt　Painting'　on　the　DAYBOARD。　Then　I　spent　the　afternoon　at　the　movies　and　walking　in　the　park；　watching　people　making　out　and　dogs　catching　Frisbees；　thinking　how　eventual　it　would　be　if　the　cleaners　actually　brought　me　my　own　fucking　Rembrandt。　Think　of　it；　a　genuine　Old　Master　on　the　wall　of　a　house　in　the　Sunset　Knoll　section　of　Columbia　City。　How　eventual　would　that　be？
　　And　it　happened；　in　a　manner　of　speaking。　My　Rembrandt　was　hung　on　the　living　room　wall　when　I　got　home；　over　the　sofa　where　the　velvet　clowns　used　to　be。　My　heart　was　beating　about　two　hundred　a　minute　as　I　walked　across　the　room　toward　it。　When　I　got　closer；　I　saw　it　was　just　a　copy　。　。　。　you　know；　a　reproduction。　I　was　disappointed；　but　not　very。　I　mean；　it　was　a　Rembrandt。　Just　not　an　original　Rembrandt。
　　Another　time；　I　wrote　'Autographed　Photo　of　Nicole　Kidman'　on　the　DAYBOARD。　I　think　she's　the　best…looking　actress　alive；　she　just　gets　me　on　so　much。　And　when　I　got　home　that　day；　there　was　a　publicity　still　of　her　on　the　fridge；　held　there　by　a　couple　of　those　little　vegetable　magnets。　She　was　on　her　Moulin　Rouge　swing。　And　that　time　it　was　the　real　deal。　I　know　because　of　the　way　it　was　signed：　'To　Dinky　Earnshaw；　with　love　&　kisses　from　Nicole。'
　　Oh；　baby。　Oh；　honey。
　　Tell　you　something；　my　friend…if　I　worked　hard　and　really　wanted　it；　there　might　be　a　real　Rembrandt　on　my　wall　someday。　Sure。　In　a　job　like　this；　there　is　nowhere　to　go　but　up。　In　a　way；　that's　the　scary　part。
　　
　　IV
　　
　　I　never　have　to　make　grocery　lists。　The　cleaners　know　what　I　like…Stouffer's　frozen　dinners；　especially　that　boil…in…the…bag　stuff　they　call　creamed　chipped　beef　and　Ma　had　always　called　shit　on　a　shingle；　frozen　strawberries；　whole　milk；　pre…formed　hamburger　patties　that　you　just　have　to　slap　in　a　hot　frying　pan　（I　hate　playing　with　raw　meat）；　Dole　puddings；　the　ones　that　e　in　plastic　cups　（bad　for　my　plexion　but　I　love　em）；　ordinary　food　like　that。　If　I　want　something　special；　I　write　it　down　on　DINKY'S　DAYBOARD。
　　Once　I　asked　for　a　homemade　apple　pie；　specifically　not　from　the　supermarket；　and　when　I　came　back　that　night　around　the　time　it　was　getting　dark；　my　pie　was　in　the　fridge　with　the　rest　of　the　week's　groceries。　Only　it　wasn't　wrapped　up；　it　was　just　sitting　there　on　a　blue　plate。　That's　how　I　knew　it　was　homemade。　I　was　a　little　hesitant　about　eating　it　at　first；　not　knowing　where　it　came　from　and　all；　and　then　I　decided　I　was　being　stupid。　A　person　doesn't　really　know　where　supermarket　food　es　from；　not　really。　I　mean；　we　assume　it's　okay　because　it's　wrapped　up　or　in　a　can　or　'double…sealed　for　your　protection；'　but　anyone　could　have　been　handling　it　with　dirty　fingers　before　it　was　double…sealed；　or　sneezing　great　big　whoops　of　booger…breath　on　it；　or　even　wiping　their　asses　with　it。　I　don't　mean　to　gross　you　out；　but　it's　true；　isn't　it？　The　world　is　full　of　strangers；　and　a　lot　of　them　are　'up　to　no　good。'　I　have　had　personal　experience　of　this；　believe　me。
　　Anyway；　I　tried　the　pie　and　it　was　delicious。　I　ate　half　of　it　Friday　night　and　the　rest　on　Saturday　morning；　while　I　was　running　the　numbers　in　Cheyenne；　Wyoming。　Most　of　Saturday　night　I　spent　on　the　toilet；　shitting　my　guts　out　from　all　those　apples；　I　guess；　but　I　didn't　care。　The　pie　was　worth　it。　'Like　mother　used　to　make'　is　what　people　say；　but　it　can't　be　my　mother　they　say　it　about。　My　Ma　couldn't　fry　Spam。
　　
　　V
　　
　　I　never　have　to　write　down　underwear　on　the　DAYBOARD。　Every　five　weeks　or　so　the　old　drawers　disappear　and　there　are　brand…new　Hanes　Jockey…shorts　in　my　bureau；　four　three…packs　still　in　their　plastic　bags。　Double…sealed　for　my　protection；　ha…ha。　Toilet…paper；　laundry　soap；　dishwasher　soap；　I　never　have　to　write　any　of　that　shit　down。　It　just　appears。
　　Very　eventual；　don't　you　think？
　　
　　VI
　　
　　I　have　never　seen　the　cleaners；　any　more　than　I　have　ever　seen　the　guy　（or　maybe　it's　a　gal）　who　delivers　my　seventy　bucks　every　Thursday　during　As　the　World　Turns。　I　never　want　to　see　them；　either。　I　don't　need　to；　for　one　thing。　For　another；　yes；　okay；　I'm　afraid　of　them。　Just　like　I　was　afraid　of　Mr。　Sharpton　in　his　big　gray　Mercedes　on　the　night　I　went　out　to　meet　him。　So　sue　me。
　　I　don't　eat　lunch　in　my　house　on　Fridays。　I　watch　As　the　World　Turns；　then　jump　in　my　car　and　drive　into　town。　I　get　a　burger　at　Mickey　D's；　then　go　to　a　movie；　then　to　the　park　if　the　weather　is　good。　I　like　the　park。　It's　a　good　place　to　think；　and　these　days　I've　got　an　awful　lot　to　think　about。
　　If　the　weather　is　bad；　I　go　to　the　mall。　Now　that　the　days　are　beginning　to　shorten；　I'm　thinking　about　taking　up　bowling　again。　It'd　be　something　to　do　on　Friday　afternoons；　at　least。　I　used　to　go　now　and　then　with　Pug。
　　I　sort　of　miss　Pug。　I　wish　I　could　call　him；　just　shoot　the　shit；　tell　him　some　of　the　stuff　that's　been　going　on。　Like　about　that　guy　Neff；　for　instance。
　　Oh；　well；　spit　in　the　ocean　and　see　if　it　es　back。
　　While　I'm　away；　the　cleaners　are　doing　my　house　from　wall　to　wall　and　top　to　bottom…wash　the　dishes　（although　I'm　pretty　good　about　that　myself）；　wash　the　floors；　wash　the　dirty　clothes；　change　the　sheets；　put　out　fresh　towels；　restock　the　fridge；　get　any　of　the　incidentals　that　are　written　on　the　DAYBOARD。　It's　like　living　in　a　hotel　with　the　world's　most　efficient　（not　to　mention　eventual）　maid　service。
　　The　one　place　they　don't　mess　around　with　much　is　the　study　off　the　dining　room。　I　keep　that　room　fairly　dark；　the　shades　always　pulled；　and　they　have　never　raised　them　to　let　in　so　much　as　a　crack　of　daylight；　like　they　do　in　the　rest　of　the　house。　It　never　smells　of　Lemon　Pledge　in　there；　either；　although　every　other　room　just　about　reeks　of　it　on　Friday　nights。　Sometimes　it's　so　bad　I　have　these　sneezing　fits。　It's　not　an　allergy；　more　like　a　nasal　protest…demonstration。
　　Someone　vacuums　the　floor　in　there；　and　they　empty　the　waste…paper　basket；　but　no　one　has　ever　moved　any　of　the　papers　that　I　keep　on　the　desk；　no　matter　how　cluttered…up　and　junky…looking　they　are。　Once　I　put　a　little　piece　of　tape　over　where　the　drawer　above　the　knee…hole　opens；　but　it　was　still　there；　unbroken；　when　I　got　back　home　that　night。　I　don't　keep　anything　top　secret　in　that　drawer；　you　understand；　I　just　wanted　to　know。
　　Also；　if　the　puter　and　modem　are　on　when　I　leave；　they're　still　on　when　I　e　back；　the　VDT　showing　one　of　the　screen…saver　programs　（usually　the　one　of　the　people　doing　stuff　behind　their　blinds　in　this　high…rise　building；　because　that's　my　favorite）。　If　my　stuff　was　off　when　I　left；　it's　off　when　I　e　back。　They　don't　mess　around　in　Dinky's　study。
　　Maybe　the　cleaners　are　a　little　afraid　of　me；　too。
　　
　　VII
　　
　　I　got　the　call　that　changed　my　life　just　when　I　thought　the　bination　of　Ma　and　delivering　for　Pizza　Roma　was　going　to　drive　me　crazy。　I　know　how　melodramatic　that　sounds；　but　in　this　case；　it's　true。　The　call　came　on　my　night　off。　Ma　was　out　with　her　girlfriends；　playing　Bingo　at　the　Reservation；　all　of　them　smoking　up　a　storm　and　no　doubt　laughing　every　time　the　caller　pulled　B…12　out　of　the　hopper　and　said；　'All　rig