ericlustbader.the ninja-第75部分

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nothing　but　pain。　Even　the　two　or　three　times　I　urinated；　I　couldn't　feel　it；　only　smelled　it　for　a　time。　Then　that；　too；　was　obliterated。
　'He　used　pain　the　way　a　clever　woman　can　use　pleasure。　You　know　the　way　a　woman　leads　you　up　the　pleasure　curve；　slowly；　lovingly；　gently；　until　you're　throbbing　for　release。　She'll　bring…you　to　the　brink；　hold　you　there　for　exquisite　moments；　then　stop　until　the　excitement　subsides　and　she　starts　all　over　again。　Finally；　when　you　e；　the　sensation　is　better　than　it's　ever　been　before。　This　man　used　the　same　principle。　You　know　terrible　pain　can　bee　its　own　anaesthetic　…　just　like　when　you　fuck　too　much；　you　go　numb　for　a　while。　So；　too；　with　pain。　Even　your　nerves　have　a　limit；　and　after　a　while　they　just　shut　down　and　you　feel　nothing。　That　can　be　your　only　advantage　in　intensive　interrogation。
　'By　his　very　technique；　this　man　avoided　that。　Again　and　again；　he　would　bring　me　slowly　up　the　pain　curve；　keep　me　hovering　on　the　brink　for　long　moments　…　but　he　never　let　me　topple　over　into　the　numbness　of　the　other　side。　He　knew　precisely　how　long　I　could　take　it　and　brought　me　down　each　time。
　'All　the　while　the　questions　were　repeated　over　and　over。　Not　shouted；　the　tone　calm　and　even　friendly；　he　spoke　in　an　intimate　voice　as　if　we　were　close　friends　meeting　in　a　bar；　talking　about　old　times。
　'It　was　odd；　this　bination。　We　became；　after　a　while；　as　intimate　as　lovers。　I　wanted　to　trust　him；　to　tell　him　all　my　secrets；　to　break　down　the　last　barriers　between　us。　The　pain；　too；　changed　over　time。　It　became　…　how　shall　I　put　it？　…　less　painful？　Yes；　that's　it。　Less　painful。　I　still　can't　understand　how　it　was　done。　Of　course；　I　knew　even　then　that　he　was　working　on　my　mind　as　well　as　on　my　body。　But　somehow　that　didn't　help　any。　I　seemed　powerless　to　stop　what　was　happening。　I　felt　things　slipping　away　from；　me；　as　if　I　were　losing　my　balance　on　slippery　ice。　Then　even　the　ice　was　gone　and　I　felt　myself　settling　down　into　a　kind　of　muddy　slime；　sinking　lower　and　lower。　There　seemed　to　be　no　bottom。
　'All　this　time　the　pain　was　ebbing　and；　as　it　did；　I　felt　myself　wanting　to　trust　him　more。　He　was　my　friend　and　I　became　guilty　at　holding　out　my　secrets。　How　selfish　I　was　I　How　unworthy　of　his　friendship。
　'It　was　not　numbness　which　overtook　me　now　…　I　told　you　he　would　not　allow　that。　It　was　another　sensation。　Pleasure。　It　crept　up　on　me　while　I　was　concentrating　on　not　answering　his　repeated　questions。　This　was　taking　more　and　more　energy　and　once　or　twice　I　had　to　bite　my　tongue　in　order　to　stop　myself　from　telling　him　everything　he　wanted　to　know。
　'I　felt；　at　that　moment；　my　self　slipping　away　from　me；　revealing；　underneath；　another　person　I　knew　not　at　all。　It　seemed　to　me；　then；　that　this　man　knew　more　about　me　than　I　did　and　this　terrified　me。
　'Now　I　found　myself　wanting　to　tell　him　more　than　ever。　Once　I　did；　I　was　convinced　he　would　hold　and　fort　me。　The　pleasure　grew。　I　began　to　rejoice　in　the　pain；　to　want　it；　for　it　was　my　link　with　him　and　I　began　to　feel　that　I　would　be　lost　without　it；　that　once　it　ceased　I　would　have　nothing　and；　therefore；　be　reduced　to　nothing。　Time　ceased　to　have　any　meaning。　There　was　no　past；　no　future；　just　an　endless　now　with　its　bright　connection。　My　mouth　was　hot　with　my　own　blood　as　I　fought　to　hold　back　telling　him　everything。
　'Abruptly；　it　was　gone。　The　pleasure…pain。　Everything。　I　was　lost。　Alone　in　the　tent；　I　began　to　cry；　great　dry　racking　sobs　…my　body　had　been　so　depleted　of　moisture　during　the　night　that　even　tears　would　not　e。　I　was　terrified　of　being　alone；　like　a　child　cruelly　left　by　its　mother。　I　had　been　reduced　to　a　kind　of　psychological　infancy　in　which　I　now　depended　on　my　inquisitor　as　a　baby　does　on　its　mother。　I　had　been　left　alone　so　that　it　would　be　hammered　home。　I　knew　then　that　the　moment　he　returned　and　started　on　me　again；　I　would　talk　and　talk　and　talk。　Nothing　would　stop　me。
　'I　became　abruptly　aware　of　a　sound　in　the　tent。　It　came　from　behind　my　head。　I　thought　he　had　returned　and　I　wept　for　joy。　There　came　some　scraping　sounds。　I　tried　to　twist　my　head　but　I　could　see　nothing　except　the　heavily　fluttering　tent　top。
　'Get　up！'　It　was　a　harsh　whisper　in　my　ear。
　'　〃What？〃　It　sounded　moronic。　A　bination　of　the　dehydration　and　my　swollen　tongue　made　me　sound　like　a　cross　between　a　heavy　drunk　and　a　lobotomy　case。
　'　〃Get　up！　Get　up！　Get　up！〃　the　voice　hissed。
　'I　felt　hands　under　my　back；　forcing　me　to　sit　up。　It　seemed　a　novel　experience。　For　a　moment　I　stared　stupidly　down　at　my　body；　perhaps　expecting　to　find　the　flesh　shredded　into　ribbons　or　blackened　bamboo　shoots　under　my　nails。　There　was　no　mark　on　me。　I　shuddered　as　I　forced　myself　to　remember　the　pain。
　'〃This　way！〃　the　voice　said；　urgently。　〃e　on！　Move　yourself！　There's　no　time　to　sit　around！〃
　'Gingerly；　I　swung　off　the　wooden　trestle　table　and　turned。　It　was　my　friend；　the　crippled　Japanese。　His　face　was　drawn　with　worry。　His　extended　arm　held　open　a　flap　of　the　tent　on　the　far　side。　Through　it　I　could　see　the　bright　green　of　the　jungle。　The　daylight　hurt　my　eyes　and　for　a　moment　I　felt　a　sense　of　intense　vertigo。
　'I　stumbled　across　the　room　and　he　had　to　reach　out　to　stop　me　from　falling　over。　〃I'll　never　make　it；〃　I　said。
　'　〃Yes；〃　he　whispered；　〃you　will。　They　won't　follow　you　in　the　daytime。〃　He　gave　me　some　water　then　looked　away　from　me　as　I　gulped　it　greedily　down。　〃We've　all　had　enough　of　this；〃　he　said　softly。　〃It's　so　useless；　so　pitiable。〃　He　moved　on　his　crutches。　〃e　on。　There's　no　time　to　lose。　We　can't　let　them　find　you　like　this；　can　we？〃
　'I　went　to　the　open　tent　flap。　My　chest　seemed　to　be　pounding　so　hard　that　I　thought　I　might　drop　dead　of　a　heart　attack　before　I　had　taken　ten　paces。
　'　〃I　don't　know　how　to　thank　you；〃　I　said　as　I　passed　him。
　'　〃Don't；〃　he　said。　〃We're　from　totally　different　worlds。　We　could　never　understand　each　other。〃
　'〃Oh　no？〃　I　stuck　out　my　hand。　He　touched　it　for　a　moment；　then　released　it　quickly　as　if　he　was　embarrassed　again。　〃One　last　thing；〃　I　said。　〃Who　are　they？〃　He　knew　who　I　meant。
　'　〃You　don't　want　to　know。〃　He　began　to　turn　away。　The　tent　flap　was　ing　down　like　the　curtain　between　our　two　worlds。
　'〃Yes　I　do。　Very　much。〃
　'His　back　was　already　to　me。　〃Ninja〃　I　heard　his　voice　float　back　to　me　as　if　from　a　great　distance。
　'I　wished　him　luck；'　Doc　Deerforth　concluded；　'but　I　don't　think　he　heard。　I　turned　and　ran　into　the　jungle；　away　from　the　camp；　away　from　the　ninja。'
　He　sat　staring　down　into　the　remains　of　his　eggs　as　if　they　were　a　doorway　into　the　past。　The　skin　of　his　high　forehead；　where　the　white　hair　had　receded　over　the　years；　was　shiny　with　sweat。　For　the　first　time　in　which　seemed　like　hours；　Nicholas　heard　the　stertorous　ticking　of　the　clock　on　the　wall。
　After　a　while；　Doc　Deerforth　lifted　his　head。　His　eyes　seemed　weary　as　they　looked　into　Nicholas's。　'I've　never　told　anyone　what　happened；'　he　said　softly。　'Not　the　men　in　my　unit；　not　my　C。O。；　not　even　my　wife。　I　told　you；　Nicholas；　because　I　was　certain　you'd　understand。'　His　gaze　was　steady　now；　the　eyes　seeming　to　bore　holes　right　through　Nicholas's　skull；　X…raying　his　brain。
　'You　know；　then。'
　Doc　Deerforth　didn't　need　to　nod；　his　eyes　told　Nicholas　what　he　wanted　to　know。
　'What　are　you　going　to　do？'
　'Do？'　Doc　Deerforth　seemed　genuinely　surprised。　'Why；　nothing。　What　should　I　do？'
　'I　know　how　you　feel；'　Nicholas　said；　'about　them。'
　'About　dial　one；'　Doc　Deerforth　corrected　him。
　'They're　like　that；　most　of　them。'
　'Are　they？'
　'It's　the　way　they're　trained。　Their　training　is　even　more　rigorous　than　a　samurai's　because　its　tradition　is　bound　in　such　secrecy。'
　'Tradition。　Odd；　isn't　it；　that　such　stringent　traditionalists　should　be　the　perpetrators　of　such　violent　anarchy。'
　'I　never　thought　of　it　dial　way　but；　yes；　you're　quite　right。'
　'I　want　you　to　get　this　one；　Nicholas。'　Doc　Deerforth　pushed　his　cold　plate　away　from　him。　'I　know　you're　the　only　one　who　can。　The　police　don't　know　…'
　'No；　they　don't。'
　'…　anything　at　all　about　this。　It's　very　fortunate　that　you've　bee　involved。　Have　you　thought　about　dial？〃
　The　day　was　bright；　not　a　cloud　in　the