tw.theburningman-第4部分

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　　　　　　　I　was　barely　into　womanhood；　but　I　felt　very　much　a　child。　The　idea　of　even　such　a　short　journey　outside　the　walls　after　dark　frightened　me；　but　my　mother　had　asked；　and　to　refuse　a　deathbed　request　was　a　sin　long　before　Mother　Church　arrived　to　parcel　up　and　name　the　rights　and　wrongs　of　life。　I　left　Ulca　at　my　mother's　side　and　hurried　across　the　rainy；　nightbound　castle。
　　　　　　　The　woman　Xanippa　had　once　been　a　whore；　but　as　she　had　bee　older　and　fatter　she　had　decided　she　needed　another　profession；　and　had　developed　a　name　as　a　herbwife。　Her　tumbledown　hut；　which　stood　against　the　keep's　southeast　curtain　wall；　overlooking　the　Kingswood；　was　full　of　smoke　and　bad　smells。　Xanippa　had　hair　like　a　bird's　nest；　tied　with　what　had　once　been　a　pretty　ribbon。　Her　face　might　have　been　round　and　ely　once；　but　years　and　fat　had　turned　it　into　something　that　looked　as　though　it　had　been　brought　up　in　a　fishing　net。　She　was　also　so　large　she　did　not　move　from　her　stool　by　the　fire　during　the　time　I　was　there　…　or　on　most　other　occasions；　I　guessed。
　　　　　　　Xanippa　was　very　suspicious　of　me　at　first；　but　when　she　found　out　who　I　was　and　what　I　wanted；　and　saw　my　face　as　proof；　she　accepted　the　three　small　coins　I　gave　her　and　gestured　for　me　to　fetch　her　splintered　wooden　chest　from　the　fireplace　corner。　Like　its　mistress；　the　chest　had　clearly　once　been　in　better　condition　and　more　prettily　painted。　She　set　it　on　the　curve　of　her　belly　and　began　to　search　through　it　with　a　painstaking　care　that　seemed　at　odds　with　everything　else　about　her。
　　　　　　　'Ah；　here；'　she　said　at　last。　'Dragon's　claw。'　She　held　out　her　hand　to　show　me　the　curved；　black　thing。　It　was　certainly　a　claw；　but　far　too　small　to　belong　to　any　dragon　I　could　imagine。　Xanippa　saw　my　hesitation。　'It　is　an　owl's　toe；　you　silly　girl。　〃Dragon's　claw〃　is　just　a　name。'　She　pointed　to　a　tiny　ball　of　glass　over　the　talon's　tip。　'Do　not　pull　that　off　or　break　it。　In　fact；　do　not　touch　it　at　all。　Do　you　have　a　purse？'
　　　　　　　I　showed　her　the　small　bag　that　hung　always　on　a　cord　around　my　neck。　Xanippa　frowned。　'The　cloth　is　very　thin。'　She　found　some　rags　in　one　of　the　pockets　of　her　shapeless　robe　and　wrapped　the　claw；　then　dropped　it　into　my　purse　and　tucked　it　back　in　my　bodice。　As　she　did　so；　she　squeezed　my　breast　so　hard　that　I　murmured　in　pain；　then　patted　my　head。　'Merciful　Rhiap；'　she　growled；　'was　I　ever　so　young　as　this？　In　any　case；　be　careful；　my　little　sweetmeat。　This　is　heartsbane　on　the　tip　of　this　claw；　from　the　marshes　of　the　Wran。　If　you　are　careless；　this　is　one　prick　that　will　make　sure　you　die　a　virgin。'　She　laughed。　'You　don't　want　that；　do　you？'
　　　　　　　I　backed　to　the　door。　Xanippa　grinned　to　see　my　fright。　'And　you　had　better　give　your　stepfather　a　message　from　me。　He　will　not　find　what　he　seeks　among　the　womenfolk　here　or　among　the　herbwives　of　the　Lake　People。　Tell　him　he　can　believe　me；　because　if　I　could　solve　his　riddle；　I　would　…　and；　oh；　but　I　would　make　him　pay　dearly　for　it！　No；　he　will　have　to　find　the　Witch　of　the　Forest　and　put　his　questions　to　her。'
　　　　　　　She　was　laughing　again　as　I　got　the　door　open　at　last　and　escaped。　The　rain　was　even　stronger　now；　and　I　slipped　and　fell　several　times；　but　still　ran　all　the　way　back　to　the　Inner　Bailey。
　　　　　　　When　I　reached　my　mother's　bed；　the　priest　had　already　e　and　gone；　as　had　my　stepfather；　who　Ulca　told　me　had　never　spoken　a　word。　My　mother　had　died　only　a　short　time　after　I　left　on　my　errand。　I　had　failed　her　…　had　left　her　to　suffer　and　die　with　no　family　beside　her。　The　shame　and　sorrow　burned　so　badly　that　I　could　not　imagine　the　pain　would　ever　go　away。　As　the　other　women　prepared　her　for　burial；　I　could　do　nothing　but　weep。　The　dragon's　claw　dangled　next　to　my　heart；　all　but　forgotten。
　　　　　　　I　spent　weeks　wandering　the　castle；　lost　and　miserable。　I　only　remembered　the　message　Xanippa　had　given　me　when　my　mother　had　been　dead　and　buried　almost　a　month。
　　　　　　　I　found　my　stepfather　on　the　wall　overlooking　the　Kingslake；　and　told　him　what　Xanippa　had　said。　He　did　not　ask　me　how　I　came　to　be　carrying　messages　for　such　a　woman。　He　did　not　even　signify　he　had　heard　me。　His　eyes　were　fixed　on　something　in　the　far　distance　…　on　the　boats　of　the　fisher…folk；　perhaps；　dim　in　the　fog。
　　　　　　　
　　　　　　　The　first　years　in　the　ruined　High　Keep　were　hard　ones；　and　not　just　for　my　mother　and　me。　Lord　Sulis　had　to　oversee　the　rebuilding；　a　vast　and　endlessly　plicated　task；　as　well　as　keep　up　the　spirits　of　his　own　people　through　the　first　bleak　winter。
　　　　　　　It　is　one　thing　for　soldiers；　in　the　initial　flush　of　loyal　indignity；　to　swear　they　will　follow　their　wronged　mander　anywhere。　It　is　another　thing　entirely　when　that　mander　es　to　a　halt；　when　following　bees　true　exile。　As　the　Nabbanai　troops　came　to　understand　that　this　cold　backwater　of　Erkynland　was　to　be　their　home　for　ever；　problems　began　…　drinking　and　fighting　among　the　soldiers；　and　even　more　unhappy　incidents　between　Sulis'　men　and　the　local　people。。　。　my　people；　although　it　was　hard　for　me　to　remember　that　sometimes。　After　my　mother　died；　I　sometimes　felt　as　if　I　were　the　true　exile；　surrounded　by　Nabbanai　names　and　faces　and　speech　even　in　the　middle　of　my　own　land。
　　　　　　　If　we　did　not　enjoy　that　first　winter；　we　survived　it；　and　continued　as　we　had　begun；　a　household　of　the　dispossessed。　But　if　ever　a　man　was　born　to　endure　that　state；　it　was　my　stepfather。
　　　　　　　When　I　see　him　now　in　my　memory；　when　I　picture　again　that　great　heavy　brow　and　that　stern　face；　I　think　of　him　as　an　island；　standing　by　himself　on　the　far　side　of　dangerous　waters；　near　but　for　ever　unvisited。　I　was　too　young　and　too　shy　to　try　to　shout　across　the　gulf　that　separated　us；　but　it　scarcely　mattered　…　Sulis　did　not　seem　like　a　man　who　regretted　his　own　solitude。　In　the　middle　of　a　crowded　room　his　eyes　were　always　on　the　walls　instead　of　the　people；　as　though　he　could　see　through　stone　to　some　better　place。　Even　in　his　happiest　and　most　festive　moods；　I　seldom　heard　him　laugh；　and　his　swift；　distracted　smiles　suggested　that　the　jokes　he　liked　best　could　never　truly　be　explained　to　anyone　else。
　　　　　　　He　was　not　a　bad　man；　or　even　a　difficult　man；　as　my　grandfather　Godric　had　been；　but　when　I　saw　the　immense　loyalty　of　his　soldiers　it　was　sometimes　hard　for　me　to　understand　it。　Tellarin　said　that　when　he　had　joined　Avalles'　pany；　the　others　had　told　him　of　how　Lord　Sulis　had　once　carried　two　of　his　wounded　bondmen　from　the　field；　one　trip　for　each；　through　a　storm　of　Thrithings　arrows。　If　that　is　true；　it　is　easy　to　understand　why　his　men　loved　him；　but　there　were　few　opportunities　for　such　obvious　sorts　of　bravery　in　the　High　Keep's　echoing　halls。
　　　　　　　While　I　was　still　young；　Sulis　would　pat　me　on　the　head　when　we　met；　or　ask　me　questions　that　were　meant　to　show　a　paternal　interest；　but　which　often　betrayed　an　uncertainty　as　to　how　old　I　was　and　what　I　liked　to　do。　When　I　began　to　grow　a　womanish　form；　he　became　even　more　correct　and　formal；　and　would　offer　pliments　on　my　clothes　or　my　stitchery　in　the　same　studied　way　that　he　greeted　the　High　Keep's　tenants　at　Aedonmansa；　when　he　called　each　man　by　his　name　…　learned　from　the　seneschal's　accounting　books　…　as　he　filed　past；　and　wished　each　a　good　year。
　　　　　　　Sulis　grew　even　more　distant　in　the　year　after　my　mother　died；　as　though　losing　her　had　finally　untethered　him　from　the　daily　tasks　he　had　always　performed　in　such　a　stiff；　practised　way。　He　spent　less　and　less　time　seeing　to　the　matters　of　government；　and　instead　sat　reading　for　hours　…　sometimes　all　through　the　night；　wrapped　in　heavy　robes　against　the　midnight　chill；　burning　candles　faster　than　the　rest　of　the　house　put　together。
　　　　　　　The　books　that　had　e　with　him　from　his　family's　great　house　in　Nabban　were　mostly　tomes　of　religious　instruction；　but　also　some　military　and　other　histories。　He　occasionally　allowed　me　to　look　at　one；　but　although　I　was　learning；　I　still　read　only　slowly；　and　could　make　little　of　the　odd　names　and　devices　in　the　accounts　of　battle。　Sulis　had　other　books　that　he　would　never　even　let　me　glance　at；　plainbound　volumes　that　he　kept　locked　in　wooden　boxes。　The　first　time　I　ever　saw　one　go　back　into　its　chest；　I